Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?
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@BearWithMe sometimes, even milkshakes and quesadillas cant protect you from the horrors
why arent you getting the attention you want do you think? chopped?
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
I mean "can't sleep, can't work, can't leave the house, can't even do a fking laundry" level of depresion.
I gave up on all other dreams and desires, the lack of their fulfillment doesn't bother me anymore. I don't even want them fulfilled. But this one just doesn't go away. Every time I see a person that's my type, it is like having a blade pushed through my stomach.
This sounds like very unreasonable thing to say. But analyzing my own thought patterns, and the brief periods in history when I had my sexual dreams and desires fulfilled, I'm wondering whether this deficiency can wreak a havoc worse than any vitamin or mineral deficiency can ever wreak?
cant leave the house lvl of depression, no, longer to fall as sleep, and less deep sleep, yes.
yes not doing what you want to do, or tending to it, can limit your energy, well being, and health, best case scenario the unfullfillment of what you want give you the drive to do what you deem necessary to attain it.
if you you think about having relations with certains womens as a "dream" then you are likely not in a state where you would be mutually beneficial to her, optimally, you should at least reach a state of energy where you don't consider the girl to be so much better than you and dont consider her a dream, before talking to her.
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@user2 Having sexual dreams is not the same thing as having a "dream girl". You are mixing up two unrelated concepts.
Sexual dream can for example be some dark BDSM stuff, like degrading and enslaving your partner and stuff like that. An opposite of having a "dream girl". I'm not saying this is my sexual dream (it is not), just trying to illustrate the difference
Demanding certain qualities from your partner and holding them to high standard is also not the same thing as having a "dream girl". Almost an opposite, too.
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@samson said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
why arent you getting the attention you want do you think? chopped?
Probably because I have a wife that is as perfect as woman can possibly be. She is good looking, very kind personality-wise and we have plenty of good sex. I love her, but she is not my body type.
She is not the obstacle, though. She would be open to non-exclusive relationship. I'm the obstacle.
On intellectual level, I know how silly and unreasonable it is to waste my energy and time to have sex with different women.
On an emotional level, the lack of sex with other women drives me nuts.
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@user2 Having sexual dreams is not the same thing as having a "dream girl". You are mixing up two unrelated concepts.
Sexual dream can for example be some dark BDSM stuff, like degrading and enslaving your partner and stuff like that. An opposite of having a "dream girl". I'm not saying this is my sexual dream (it is not), just trying to illustrate the difference
Demanding certain qualities from your partner and holding them to high standard is also not the same thing as having a "dream girl". Almost an opposite, too.
I'm not mixing anything up, I used the word “dream” in its most common sense. Your post didn't imply a dream during sleep, it implied a dream while awake. In most cases, when someone uses the word “dream” to talk about something everyday, they are talking about something they consider difficult to accomplish, even impossible, and that they cannot do right away. Thinking this way about a woman implies that the person is not in an adequate energetic state to talk to this woman and be mutually beneficial. The common word for talking about specific sexual desires that not everyone appreciates is not “dreams” but ‘fantasies’ or “fetishes.”
your first message does not imply anything about "Demanding certain qualities from your partner and holding them to high standard".
so if by sexual dreams, you mean fantaisies/fetiches, improving energy enough reduce most fantaisies beside basic missionary. exept diet, i suggest reduce/eliminate porn if you do watch it, and lower emf exposure if it is not already the case, both can contribute to the problems you mentionned
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@samson said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
why arent you getting the attention you want do you think? chopped?
Probably because I have a wife that is as perfect as woman can possibly be. She is good looking, very kind personality-wise and we have plenty of good sex. I love her, but she is not my body type.
She is not the obstacle, though. She would be open to non-exclusive relationship. I'm the obstacle.
On intellectual level, I know how silly and unreasonable it is to waste my energy and time to have sex with different women.
On an emotional level, the lack of sex with other women drives me nuts.
aint silly at all to have sex with different women, all depend what you want and what these women want
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@user2 This is actually a question I'm asking myself. Whether my preference is a fetish caused by pathological state of body and/or mind, or a high standard I'm holding for a sexual partner. I don't know. It could be both.
This uncertainty is another big obstacle that prevents me from pursuing my dreams.
Your posts are super super useful, thank you very much
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@user2 This is actually a question I'm asking myself. Whether my preference is a fetish caused by pathological state of body and/or mind, or a high standard I'm holding for a sexual partner. I don't know. It could be both.
This uncertainty is another big obstacle that prevents me from pursuing my dreams.
Your posts are super super useful, thank you very much
I suggest that the best thing to do is to be in /reach the highest well being and energy state you know, and from that state, if you still want those things, follow your instincts and obtain/do those things, as long as they do not directly cause harm to an innocent person,and you feel better afterward
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@user2 It seems impossible not to form any bond during sex, even when both parties are open about their intentions and agreed serious relationship is not on the table. Creating some broken hearts is almost inevitable, no?
I can imagine some people spend the rest of their lives looking for the same kind of person they had casual sex with, never to be happy in any relationship again
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@BearWithMe
I think you're creating your own problem then. -
@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@user2 It seems impossible not to form any bond during sex, even when both parties are open about their intentions and agreed serious relationship is not on the table. Creating some broken hearts is almost inevitable, no?
i dont know
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@user2 What exactly do you mean by not directly causing a harm?
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@user2 What exactly do you mean by not directly causing a harm?
i meant overall in life, as long as something doesnt harm any innocent, and make you feel better, it is good
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@user2 It seems impossible not to form any bond during sex, even when both parties are open about their intentions and agreed serious relationship is not on the table. Creating some broken hearts is almost inevitable, no?
I can imagine some people spend the rest of their lives looking for the same kind of person they had casual sex with, never to be happy in any relationship again
Going by the many accounts I know of, at least one person almost always grows attached and inevitably gets hurt, but it’s not impossible not to, especially for those who are detached from their emotions. There will always be that energy exchange, though, even if not consciously aware of it. If someone spends the rest of their life looking for the same kind of person they had casual sex with, never to be happy in any relationship again, perhaps what they are really in search of is how they felt about themself when they were with that person so they are actually in search of that version of themself? You say your wife is as perfect as a woman can possibly be and list the many qualities that make her so, but how do you feel about yourself? Do you genuinely like yourself, feel proud of who you are and the life you’ve created? One thing that really stood out to me in your OP is that you mentioned giving up on all other dreams.
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@Jennifer Very interesting take, thank you very much.
I gave up on my other dreams because I realized they are not worth pursuing, not because I feel unable to achieve them. It was liberating. Like leaving a hamster wheel. But it left me with no dreams except for a dream of better world for future generations, and a dream of having sex with specific kind of women.
I'm extremely happy about and proud of the current version of myself. I wish my efforts translated to a little more financial succes, but I know I'm doing the right thing and making this world a slightly better place. If my fate is to die poor, so be it. Definitely better than doing a job that's well paid, but doesn't contribute anything substantial to this world. That being said, I suspect my financial situation will improve soon.
Also I realize I still have a long way to go on a path to being a better person, but I'm verry happy with my progress so far
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@BearWithMe, gotcha. I’m glad to hear that you are proud of the current version of yourself. Would you say you are in good health? Since we’re talking specifically about sexual desires, would you say your health in that area is ideal, i.e., orgasms are intense/fully satisfying and as satisfying with your wife as it was in the past with the women who are your type physically? Ray talked about excess estrogen leading to an insatiable sex drive, due to unsatisfying orgasms so just trying to help you rule out a pathological state/hormonal imbalance as the cause.
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@Jennifer I have a gastrointestinal disease (severe malabsorbtion) that took its toll over the years, but I don't think it significantly affects my sexual health. Orgasms are very intense and fully satisfying. I would not describe my sex drive as insatiable.
Orgasms with my wife are as good as orgasms with women that are my type physically, possibly even a little bit better.
The unfulfilled desire to have sex with women who have different body type than my wife is my only complaint. Everything else is perfect
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@BearWithMe, digestive disorders, and illness in general, can greatly affect mental health for numerous biological reasons you’re likely aware of if familiar with Ray’s work, and lead to obsession, rumination, catastrophizing and turning what would otherwise be a simple preference into a “can’t sleep, can’t work, can’t leave the house, can’t even do laundry” level of depression, basically, making you a slave to your thoughts and robbing you of your peace of mind. It’s not uncommon to see people who fit a physical preference and admire their beauty, but to feel stabbed in the stomach whenever you do, especially when you have satisfying sex with your wife, and in some cases better than you had with women who fit your body type, I don’t think your depression is caused by “unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires,” but your condition.
This isn’t meant to marginalize your current torment—my heart goes out to you—but perhaps you’ve subconsciously replaced one focus (illness) with another (body type) because the latter is an achievable perceived solution, while the former may seem less so if it’s hard to remember what it’s like to truly be healthy (or maybe you’ve never known it?) and you’ve had to fight for it? Unfortunately, I’m not a psychologist so I don’t have better insight for you, however, I don’t think breaking your wedding vows is the solution to your current misery. I sense it will only add to it. You seem like a conscientious person with a solid code of ethics and even if your wife gave you the green light, I think you know she deserves better than that, and I doubt you would still be proud of yourself if you broke the promise you made to her. In many ways, society has made a mockery of marriage, but there is something very sacred and powerful about the promise to love, honor and cherish someone, and being men and women of our word. I wish you all the best, and hope you find peace of mind soon.
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@Jennifer The thoughts I described in this thread predate my illness.
I never promised my wife she will be the only woman in my life, or anything similar. Our marriage is very non-traditional. We are together for 20 years and happier than ever, so I guess it works better than the traditional model.
I probably won't be pursuing this dream, but it is because I feel it's immoral towards the other women, not towards my wife.
I'm finding it amusing how polyamorous marriages were the norm for thousands of years, and now all of the sudden I'm somehow supposed to hurt my woman by not commiting exclusively to her, when it is exactly the opposite - polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to her. All that while the idea of polyamory being bad was introduced by people whose morality was (is) questionable at best
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@Jennifer The thoughts I described in this thread predate my illness.
I never promised my wife she will be the only woman in my life, or anything similar. Our marriage is very non-traditional. We are together for 20 years and happier than ever, so I guess it works better than the traditional model.
I probably won't be pursuing this dream, but it is because I feel it's immoral towards the other women, not towards my wife.
I'm finding it amusing how polyamorous marriages were the norm for thousands of years, and now all of the sudden I'm somehow supposed to hurt my woman by not commiting exclusively to her, when it is exactly the opposite - polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to her. All that while the idea of polyamory being bad was pushed by people whose morality was (is) questionable at best
It appears we have a different definition of happy. Based on what you’ve shared, I got the impression that you’re depressed so my apologies for misunderstanding you.
I’m not sure I understand why you feel it’s immoral toward the other women when you don’t think polyamory is immoral but if this is why, for women who aren’t looking for exclusivity, have the same intentions as you, it’s possible for them to not grow an attachment. It’s a small pool of people, but of the hundreds of accounts I know of, more often than not, it’s men who grow an attachment or jealous—they discover that they don’t like sharing women with other men.
In regards to marriage, I didn’t mean in the traditional and legally binding sense. The union I’m referring to is not influenced by what the norm is or what others deem moral. It transcends “church and state,” tradition and trends, but thank you for clarifying. Sorry I couldn’t be of help to you.
