Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?
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@Jennifer Very interesting take, thank you very much.
I gave up on my other dreams because I realized they are not worth pursuing, not because I feel unable to achieve them. It was liberating. Like leaving a hamster wheel. But it left me with no dreams except for a dream of better world for future generations, and a dream of having sex with specific kind of women.
I'm extremely happy about and proud of the current version of myself. I wish my efforts translated to a little more financial succes, but I know I'm doing the right thing and making this world a slightly better place. If my fate is to die poor, so be it. Definitely better than doing a job that's well paid, but doesn't contribute anything substantial to this world. That being said, I suspect my financial situation will improve soon.
Also I realize I still have a long way to go on a path to being a better person, but I'm verry happy with my progress so far
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@BearWithMe, gotcha. I’m glad to hear that you are proud of the current version of yourself. Would you say you are in good health? Since we’re talking specifically about sexual desires, would you say your health in that area is ideal, i.e., orgasms are intense/fully satisfying and as satisfying with your wife as it was in the past with the women who are your type physically? Ray talked about excess estrogen leading to an insatiable sex drive, due to unsatisfying orgasms so just trying to help you rule out a pathological state/hormonal imbalance as the cause.
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@Jennifer I have a gastrointestinal disease (severe malabsorbtion) that took its toll over the years, but I don't think it significantly affects my sexual health. Orgasms are very intense and fully satisfying. I would not describe my sex drive as insatiable.
Orgasms with my wife are as good as orgasms with women that are my type physically, possibly even a little bit better.
The unfulfilled desire to have sex with women who have different body type than my wife is my only complaint. Everything else is perfect
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@BearWithMe, digestive disorders, and illness in general, can greatly affect mental health for numerous biological reasons you’re likely aware of if familiar with Ray’s work, and lead to obsession, rumination, catastrophizing and turning what would otherwise be a simple preference into a “can’t sleep, can’t work, can’t leave the house, can’t even do laundry” level of depression, basically, making you a slave to your thoughts and robbing you of your peace of mind. It’s not uncommon to see people who fit a physical preference and admire their beauty, but to feel stabbed in the stomach whenever you do, especially when you have satisfying sex with your wife, and in some cases better than you had with women who fit your body type, I don’t think your depression is caused by “unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires,” but your condition.
This isn’t meant to marginalize your current torment—my heart goes out to you—but perhaps you’ve subconsciously replaced one focus (illness) with another (body type) because the latter is an achievable perceived solution, while the former may seem less so if it’s hard to remember what it’s like to truly be healthy (or maybe you’ve never known it?) and you’ve had to fight for it? Unfortunately, I’m not a psychologist so I don’t have better insight for you, however, I don’t think breaking your wedding vows is the solution to your current misery. I sense it will only add to it. You seem like a conscientious person with a solid code of ethics and even if your wife gave you the green light, I think you know she deserves better than that, and I doubt you would still be proud of yourself if you broke the promise you made to her. In many ways, society has made a mockery of marriage, but there is something very sacred and powerful about the promise to love, honor and cherish someone, and being men and women of our word. I wish you all the best, and hope you find peace of mind soon.
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@Jennifer The thoughts I described in this thread predate my illness.
I never promised my wife she will be the only woman in my life, or anything similar. Our marriage is very non-traditional. We are together for 20 years and happier than ever, so I guess it works better than the traditional model.
I probably won't be pursuing this dream, but it is because I feel it's immoral towards the other women, not towards my wife.
I'm finding it amusing how polyamorous marriages were the norm for thousands of years, and now all of the sudden I'm somehow supposed to hurt my woman by not commiting exclusively to her, when it is exactly the opposite - polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to her. All that while the idea of polyamory being bad was introduced by people whose morality was (is) questionable at best
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@Jennifer The thoughts I described in this thread predate my illness.
I never promised my wife she will be the only woman in my life, or anything similar. Our marriage is very non-traditional. We are together for 20 years and happier than ever, so I guess it works better than the traditional model.
I probably won't be pursuing this dream, but it is because I feel it's immoral towards the other women, not towards my wife.
I'm finding it amusing how polyamorous marriages were the norm for thousands of years, and now all of the sudden I'm somehow supposed to hurt my woman by not commiting exclusively to her, when it is exactly the opposite - polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to her. All that while the idea of polyamory being bad was pushed by people whose morality was (is) questionable at best
It appears we have a different definition of happy. Based on what you’ve shared, I got the impression that you’re depressed so my apologies for misunderstanding you.
I’m not sure I understand why you feel it’s immoral toward the other women when you don’t think polyamory is immoral but if this is why, for women who aren’t looking for exclusivity, have the same intentions as you, it’s possible for them to not grow an attachment. It’s a small pool of people, but of the hundreds of accounts I know of, more often than not, it’s men who grow an attachment or jealous—they discover that they don’t like sharing women with other men.
In regards to marriage, I didn’t mean in the traditional and legally binding sense. The union I’m referring to is not influenced by what the norm is or what others deem moral. It transcends “church and state,” tradition and trends, but thank you for clarifying. Sorry I couldn’t be of help to you.
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@Jennifer My long suppresed burning desire to have sex with other women have nothing to do with quality of this relationship, I thought I made this very clear already
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@BearWithMe, with all due respect, it’s not me who lacks clarity. Please set aside your relationship for a moment and focus on you. You say you have a can't sleep, can't work, can't leave the house, can't even do laundry level of depression and that every time you see a person that's your type, it is like having a blade pushed through your stomach. This is you, yourself, happier than ever?
Going by what you’ve shared, your desires and depression aren’t health related, you wouldn’t be breaking your wedding vows—you even say a polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to your wife—and there are polyamorous women who don’t catch feelings—it’s purely physical—so as long as it’s consensual and both adults upfront with their intentions, what’s immoral about it?
Not to make light of your situation, but I can’t help but find the humor in a naturally monogamous woman questioning a polyamorous man about his hang-up with polyamory. The way I see it, you can either let your suppressed burning desires consume you or reconcile your conflicting beliefs about polyamory being beneficial, while at the same time immoral, and pursue them. If someone develops feelings, they learn a valuable lesson about themself.
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@Jennifer said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@BearWithMe, with all due respect, it’s not me who lacks clarity. Please set aside your relationship for a moment and focus on you. You say you have a can't sleep, can't work, can't leave the house, can't even do laundry level of depression and that every time you see a person that's your type, it is like having a blade pushed through your stomach. This is you, yourself, happier than ever?
Going by what you’ve shared, your desires and depression aren’t health related, you wouldn’t be breaking your wedding vows—you even say a polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to your wife—and there are polyamorous women who don’t catch feelings—it’s purely physical—so as long as it’s consensual and both adults upfront with their intentions, what’s immoral about it?
Not to make light of your situation, but I can’t help but find the humor in a naturally monogamous woman questioning a polyamorous man about his hang-up with polyamory. The way I see it, you can either let your suppressed burning desires consume you or reconcile your conflicting beliefs about polyamory being beneficial, while at the same time immoral, and pursue them. If someone develops feelings, they learn a valuable lesson about themself.
I have no hang-ups about polyamory whatsoever. I'm questioning the morality of casual sex. I would feel exactly the same if I was single and was considering having causual sex with single woman. I made this perfectly clear too.
Being "happier than ever" and being depressed is not mutually exclusive. Being "happier than ever" doesn't imply happiness. Depression and happiness is also not mutually exclusive, believe it or not. Also "we are happier than ever" have a different meaning than "I am happer than ever"
Thank you for your contribution to my thread but I'm not going to respond to any more of your messages, Jennifer
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@BearWithMe said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@Jennifer said in Unfulfilled sexual dreams and desires causing extreme depression?:
@BearWithMe, with all due respect, it’s not me who lacks clarity. Please set aside your relationship for a moment and focus on you. You say you have a can't sleep, can't work, can't leave the house, can't even do laundry level of depression and that every time you see a person that's your type, it is like having a blade pushed through your stomach. This is you, yourself, happier than ever?
Going by what you’ve shared, your desires and depression aren’t health related, you wouldn’t be breaking your wedding vows—you even say a polyamorous relationship would be beneficial to your wife—and there are polyamorous women who don’t catch feelings—it’s purely physical—so as long as it’s consensual and both adults upfront with their intentions, what’s immoral about it?
Not to make light of your situation, but I can’t help but find the humor in a naturally monogamous woman questioning a polyamorous man about his hang-up with polyamory. The way I see it, you can either let your suppressed burning desires consume you or reconcile your conflicting beliefs about polyamory being beneficial, while at the same time immoral, and pursue them. If someone develops feelings, they learn a valuable lesson about themself.
I have no hang-ups about polyamory whatsoever. I'm questioning the morality of casual sex. I would feel exactly the same if I was single and was considering having causual sex with single woman. I made this perfectly clear too.
Being "happier than ever" and being depressed is not mutually exclusive. Being "happier than ever" doesn't imply happiness. Depression and happiness is also not mutually exclusive, believe it or not. Also "we are happier than ever" have a different meaning than "I am happer than ever"
Thank you for your contribution to my thread but I'm not going to respond to any more of your messages, Jennifer
It was clear from your very first post, but thank you for taking the time to clarify anyway. You’re welcome.
