Need help dealing with transgender feelings using a bio-energetic aproach
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@NoeticJuice When I say it was traumatic I mean in the later stages of puberty it felt like my body was being ruined. I don't like having lots of body hair I find it makes me look gross and dirty and it grows back too fast to shave it regularly without going through tons of razors. My skin is rough, my brow ridge is very prominent, ect. I miss having a small frame and soft skin like I did when I was younger. Also although I do not believe I'm balding as it hasn't progressed for several years my hairline did recede somewhat.
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@Cytomeldevourer seems more like nostalgia if your young feminine self. Do you find it hot or a turn on to imagine yourself as a transgender or do you just want and feel like it will fit you better?
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@lobotomize-me I used to when I was a young teen but since quitting porn not anymore. I was very disappointed when I realized it wasn't just AGP as that would have been easy to fix. I mostly just think I would feel more comfortable in a more feminine body and people probably would be more trusting of me and I would come off as less creepy and weird. I frankly find masculine men repulsive. I remember since I was young not wanting to look like my dad even though that was inevitable given he's my father and I have half his genes.
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@Cytomeldevourer . 1. It's very common for people to look completely different from their parents.
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It's normal for a guy to not be attracted to masculine men.
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It seems like you're trying to fit in, and you believe the only way to do that is by becoming a woman.
Regarding the part of your message about not liking your masculine body: I think this might be because you never had a masculine father figure (i get this assumption because you mentioned you never wanted to look like your father) . Perhaps you saw your mother receive certain benefits and expected the same for yourself. When society didn't grant you those benefits because you are male, you became distraught with your situation.
Is your mother a social gal. Did you see her socialise often?
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@lobotomize-me I never wanted to look my father because he was so masculine looking. Like borderline neanderthal. I don't look quite as masculine as him but pretty close. I'm sure as I get older this will continue. My dad wasn't a great father figure but I didn't like my mom much either tbh. As for her being social I guess but not much more than my father or anyone else in my family. Never really clinged especially to her either. By the time I was a teenager I disliked them both although I disliked my dad more because he would often make fun of me and was easily made angry by small things. Most of my jealousy towards women I would say happened by seeing them in school and also how much nicer my sister was treated by my parents.
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@Cytomeldevourer You said puberty was traumatic because your body was being "ruined." This isn't gender dysphoria in the way you think it is. This is a trauma response.
You associated masculinity with a negative stimulus: your father who was "easily made angry" and "made fun of you." You saw him as a "neanderthal." So when your own body started developing these same traits (hair, rough skin, brow ridge), your nervous system interpreted it as a threat, as you becoming the thing that hurt you.
The jealousy of women is a logical consequence of this.You saw your sister get "nicer" treatment. Your subconscious mind made a simple calculation: masculine = pain, anger, ridicule. feminine = safety, kindness, social acceptance.
It's a survival mechanism, not an innate identity. You want to be a woman because you think it's the only way to be safe and accepted, and to escape the body that reminds you of your father.
Your PHQ-9 score of 20 (severe depression). That level of depression is a high-stress state that reinforces all these negative feedback loops.
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@lobotomize-me Why would this still be effecting me today though? I admittedly forgot to mention that my relationship with my father has been mostly fixed at this point in time. Shouldn't it be over and the stress response corrected?
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@Cytomeldevourer Just because your conscious, adult relationship with your father is "fixed" today doesn't erase the physiological imprint created during a critical developmental period
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I worked with numerous men over the years. I found that men who think they are gay, or trans, are suffering from porn use.
These men would withdraw from porn, and avoid fantasy using replacement thoughts when fantasy strikes, and they would get better.
That's been about 100% for me over the years.
It's just that simple. Porn and fantasy mess up our beliefs about our own sexuality.
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@Ecstatic_Hamster causation vs correlation. Maybe they use porn because, they have high estrogen, which causes them to also be trans/gay. And not; they are gay because they use porn